Finding A Way Forward
by SoInspiredbyYou
Summary: This is my first attempt at writing fiction. These characters of Sally Wainwrights wouldn't leave my mind and I finally had to write it all down to find out what I really thought motivated these two.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 At the Dance**

One kiss blending seamlessly into the next, Caroline and Kate realized all at once that the music had ended and that there was a silence in the room. Pulling away, their eyes met just as applause and cheers broke out all around them. Looking around quickly to see what they had missed, they found smiling faces looking back at _them_. Well, mostly smiling faces, a few doubtful or disapproving. Taking this in, Kate's hand moved down Caroline's arm clasping her hand tightly. It crossed Caroline's mind to wonder if Kate were giving her reassurance or seeking it from Caroline. She had time only to think ruefully, 'well, Kate you wanted us to come out,' before William had caught her into a warm hug. He whispered into her ear, "Mum, I'm so glad." Hugging her even tighter for a second he released her to hug Kate. Caroline saw Roxy just behind William smiling shyly at her. Caroline still had one hand on William's shoulder, but reached out with her other arm to pull Roxy into a brief squeeze.

By this time, the guests, realizing that the music was not going to resume and the festivities were concluding, had begun collecting their belongings. Some had already found Alan and Celia to offer their final congratulations of the evening, express their admiration for the performance of Alan and the boys and convey what a good time they'd had. The first comers turning from speaking with Alan and Celia found Caroline and Gillian, their hostesses, releasing one another from a quick hug, smiles on faces, one a little embarrassed, the other a little cheeky.

The guests naturally moved down this impromptu reverse receiving line offering thanks and compliments on the loveliness of the affair to Caroline and Gillian before making their way to the door. Suddenly surrounded by departing guests, Caroline anchored Kate to her with a firm grip of her left hand whenever not required to release it to hug an old friend or family member goodbye. To her own extended family and the friends invited by Celia and herself, Caroline diligently introduced Kate with more or less detail as the circumstances required. Thinking to herself, in for a penny, in for a pound. Many of those passing before her were friends of Alan & Gillian requiring only a polite greeting from Caroline before they moved on to Gillian.

Toward the end of the exodus, Angus' mother took Caroline's hand warmly, thanking her for inviting herself as well as Angus to the wedding. She confided that she hasn't been sure she would have a good time, coming alone now that Angus's dad was out of the picture but that it had turned out to be great fun at the table with Caroline's cousins. "That Marta is a hoot. I can't remember when I have laughed so hard" she told Caroline and Kate, taking them both in with her smile. "Felicity", you know Kate from Sulgrave Heath don't you? She is in the languages department."

"Yes, she has my Angus this term. We met at Teacher's Night. It is good to see you again Miss McKenzie."

"Please call me Kate." Came the response as Kate reached out to shake hands with Felicity. "It is good to see you too"

Felicity told them that she had heard a rumor through school circles that the two of were _an item_. I" didn't take much notice at the time. There are always rumors going round you know." With a warm smile Felicity continued, "I see now that there must have been some truth to this one."

Caroline had gotten to know Felicity more than other parents at the school through the friendship of their sons. She had begun to think of Felicity as a friend after a conversation at one of the boy's rugby matches revealed that they had both faced similar situations with straying husbands. Following this they had spoken a few times as they picked up or dropped off the boys at one another's home. Caroline found herself admiring this woman's ability to face down her ex and take command of the situation from the beginning and the humor with which she dealt with it all.

Caroline already standing very straight, shoulders pulled down, as she was wont to do when steeling herself for criticism or controlling herself in some way, raised her chin a trifle more to respond to this woman that she had tentatively begun to think of as friend. "Yes, Kate and I had been seeing one another, glancing at Kate Caroline was discomfited to find herself sharing such personal information, we had a falling out but it seems we are going to be working out our differences now" said Caroline as she valiantly placed her arm around Kate's waist.

"I wish you both the best," replied Felicity. "I want you to know" looking each woman in the eye, "that I will be having a conversation with our Angus about keeping confidentiality with those in one's personal circle of friends. He will _not_ be going to school to spread the word about everything he saw here tonight, or what he may be privileged to know by virtue of his friendship with Laurence. He has been something of a little shit since his Dad left but he is old enough to learn when to keep things to himself and to let people share their own news rather than have things bandied about in gossip." Then a little embarrassed at her rant, said, "guess I've been on the receiving end myself lately. Sore subject."

"Thank you," said Kate knowing that this would give her and Caroline a little time to control their story at the school and that this would be important to Caroline.

"Thank you, Felicity," Caroline smiled. The eyes of the two women met and Caroline saw the sincerity in Felicity's steady gaze and knew that this woman was a better friend to her than she had known. "I do appreciate your frankness and understanding." Relaxing somewhat, Caroline once again smiled broadly and told Felicity how surprised and delighted she had been to see Angus with her boys and Raff in Alan's song for Celia. "They were all wonderful. I had no idea any of them were up for that sort of thing. I've no idea how Alan got them all to agree, let alone give such a fine performance."

"Oh yes, they used our house for rehearsals. They were hard at it this week once William was home from university. I've enjoyed getting to know both of your boys better, Caroline. Raf as well and Alan is a delight. Well, it is getting late and Angus and I are driving back to Harrogate tonight," said Felicity as she gave Caroline a quick hug and "Happy Christmas to you both" taking Kate's hand again and moved on to wish a good night to Gillian.

Caroline and Kate had only enough time to smile into one another's eyes before the chiding voice of Caroline's Auntie Muriel broke in, "Caroline! You didn't tell me that you had been seeing anyone since John left."

"Yes, well, we," began Caroline when her cousin Marta broke in.

"Mother, you don't need to be the first to know everything. It's getting late. Say goodnight to Caroline now and we will see her again at breakfast," ordered Marta, gently but firmly urging her mother on toward Alan and Celia. Leaning in to give Caroline a quick squeeze and to whisper quickly and all in one sentence, "I'm happy for you, John is a shit. Then hurriedly with a nod toward Muriel, "I've got to stay with her, or she'll be giving Auntie Celia grief." With a quick smile into Kate's eyes and a squeeze to her arm, Marta barged on between her mother and Celia to pull her aunt into a hug and to say loudly "congratulations again, Auntie Celia…"

Caroline and Kate both struggled not to burst into giggles as they watched Marta strong-arm her mother toward the exit, Muriel looking over her shoulder clearly not having had a chance to say all that she wished to say.

Soon the guests were gone and Celia and Alan were free to turn to Caroline and Kate for the first time since the music ended. Celia opened her mouth, but Alan was quicker, pulling Caroline into a hug and thanking her for working with Gillian to put on such a lovely wedding. "This will be a day for us to remember always" he said tears filling his eyes and he looked over to Celia saying "won't it love?"

Celia, seeing Alan's emotions overcome him realized it had been a long day filled with excitement and activity, for both of them. Suddenly, feeling her years as well, decided that the most important thing was to get Alan upstairs for some rest tonight. She said only "Yes. Yes, it has been a lovely day." And remembering Caroline's speech and all of the kind, loving things she'd said about her mother, Celia softened. Her ire at the display that Caroline had made of herself on the dance floor with Kate receded. Caroline loved her and she loved Caroline. That was the most important thing. The rest could wait for later. Now looking lovingly into Alan's eyes she said only "Alan, it _has_ been a beautiful day. And a long one. Shall we go up now?"

Alan nodded and the two of them hugged everyone still in the room. By now only the two families remained, blended into one by all that they had been through together since Alan and Celia had met up again. The family feeling had been greatly enhanced by the camaraderie engendered by putting on this wedding.

At this signal, everyone began saying his or her goodnights to one another. Caroline putting a hand on the shoulder of each of the boys told them to go upstairs to their room and she would be in to say goodnight shortly. Hugging Roxy, she asked her if she had everything she needed and would she be OK sharing a room with Marta's Susan? "Good. Good night, then. See you at breakfast," Caroline smiled.

Assured that all was well with Roxy & the boys, Caroline recaptured Kate's hand and lifting her chin slightly, again turned toward Gillian who was hugging Raff and Ellie good night, promising to see them at breakfast in the morning, "9:00, remember" Gillian warned, mindful of Ellie's proclivity for sleeping in mornings.

The boys, slapping one another on the back and congratulating themselves on their great skills and abilities as performers, were moving toward the exit. William with Roxy on his arm, Raff with an arm around Ellie and Laurence walking backward so he could face them all as he continued his relentless cheekiness.

Gillian grinned at Caroline, "Well, we did it, didn't we? Finally got a wedding put together. We made a pretty good team on this one, didn't we?"

Caroline, smiling back affectionately, agreed, "We did didn't we?" and moved in to hug Gillian, who whispered " Well done with Kate, good luck working things out."

With a final squeeze to Caroline, Gillian turned to smile at Kate "I am happy to have met you. Thank you for playing the piano at the ceremony. You were wonderful. Right. Well, I am going to follow the newlyweds up." Winking broadly, "Make sure they get home alright. Good night then."

Kate turned to face Caroline now that they were the only two in the room, save for the servers still bussing tables. Caroline, over Kate's shoulder saw Gillian turn back to take one more look at this couple who had brought the evening to such an unexpected close. Seeing that Caroline had spied her, Gillian scrunched up her face and mouthed YES!, while pumping her arm in the air and bringing it down sharply to her side before turning and moving into a trot, out the door to catch up with Celia and Alan.

Kate seeing Caroline roll her eyes with her gaze over Kate's shoulder, looked back as well but was too late to see Gillian. "What?" Caroline just waved a hand and shook her head, her eyes now free to meet Kate's.


	2. Chapter 2

Able for the first time tonight to look into Kate's face without being observed by others Caroline's smile faded and her expression turned serious. The enormity of what faced them, all that they had to work out as a couple began to sink in. And a couple they were after the events of the last hour. Was it really only an hour? So much had transpired in such a short time. Her whole life had changed in that space of time. _Their_ whole lives had changed.

Kate could see by Caroline's expression that her mind was leaping ahead, taking on the problems which faced them. Anticipating the future and planning for contingencies was what made Caroline such a good administrator of the school, but it could work against her in her personal life. Taking Caroline by the shoulders and moving her own face a little lower so that her eyes were on a level with Caroline's, she said her name softly, "Caroline."

Hearing the tenderness in Kate's voice as she said her name, Caroline came back to the present and met the deep brown eyes that were looking intently into her own. For a moment she was lost in their depths, feeling Kate's hands on her shoulders, remembering the intensity of their kisses such a short time ago, Caroline's emotions overflowed her heart and tears formed in her eyes. "You came back," she marveled. "I _am_ glad." Seeing Kate's face light up again, Caroline took a deep steadying breath and said, "I have a room upstairs. Will you stay with me tonight?"

Kate did not respond immediately, so Caroline rushed on, "I know we have only just begun to… to… but I would really like it if you _would_ stay. We don't… you don't… I mean. If we could just be together. Then candidly, I'm almost afraid that this isn't real, that I'm dreaming and you will disappear on me. Tomorrow I will wake up to my old misery. I… Caroline stopped abruptly, appalled at what she had just admitted. Blushing deeply, she looked back into Kate's eyes to find them kind and understanding, her old Kate was back. None of the hardness she had become accustomed to finding in Kate's face these recent months.

Kate gently pulled Caroline toward her, wrapping her arms around Caroline, holding her close, as close as the baby bump would allow, whispering into Caroline's ear, "I _will_ stay with you tonight." Pulling back, she looked into those incredible blue eyes once again filling with tears. Allowing her hands to slide down Caroline's arms, she grasped her hands and squeezed them saying, "I need to get my things." Letting go of one hand she pulled Caroline toward the table where she had found her sitting abjectly such a short time ago. Caroline, having forgotten to breathe for a moment when Kate's whisper into her ear sent a visceral sensation through her body, caught her breath and followed where Kate lead.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - The Boys**

Moving through the almost empty rooms of the hotel toward the stairs, their eyes fell on the sitting area where they had argued the last time they were here together. Walking hand in hand the two women paused, then reading the shared pain in the other's eyes by common consent continued toward the stairs.

Approaching her room, Caroline pulled the key from a pocket of her full skirt and tried to insert it into the lock. Her hand was shaking so that Kate gently took the key from her and opened the door, handing the key back to Caroline. Looking up at Kate, tugging her shoulders down and letting out a deep sigh, Caroline asked, "Why am I such a mess and you are so calm?"

Shrugging, "Inside I'm not," replied Kate smiling wanly. I think I have just had more time to get used to the idea of possibly getting back together. I had the drive all the way to Harrogate and back thinking about it.'

Caroline nodded, feeling a little less of a mess. "I have to say good night to the boys. Make sure they are OK. Especially Laurence. If this is disconcerting for me, I don't know how he is feeling. I have to talk to them before we all go down to breakfast in the morning. Auntie Muriel is likely to be a loose cannon, not to mention my mother. I _am_ sorry, I just…

"Don't be sorry." Interrupted Kate. "This is all very sudden. I understand." Seeing Caroline's doubt, put there by her own coldness in recent months, Kate squeezed her hand and said softly, "Really, Caroline. Go. Take care of the boys. I'll be here waiting." Kate smiled reassuringly over her shoulder as she passed into the room and closed the door, the smile still on her face.

Alone in the corridor, Caroline closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe it really was going to be OK. Kate's manner did seem to be telling her so. Now, what was she going to say to the boys? William had made his feelings clear, but what was going on in Laurence's mind?

Crossing down the hall to the door of the boys' room, Caroline tapped twice and tried the handle, which turned at her touch. Both boys were in their pajamas. She saw William already in bed with his book and Laurence rooting through his suitcase. "Hiya," she said. Moving into the room and sitting on the bed which was waiting for Laurence, facing William she got right to the point, "I suppose you know what happened tonight was not planned. It just happened and …" uncertain how to finish this sentence she stopped.

Looking at Laurence, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. It wasn't intentional." Laurence had straightened from his suitcase and turned toward her, his face unreadable. "Laurence?" she questioned, not wishing to ramble on and dig herself into an even deeper hole with her youngest son.

Laurence shrugged, looked down at his feet, then finally after a long pause. "I know you haven't been very happy since you and Kate haven't been together any more." Another pause. Slowly Laurence continued with pauses between sentences, thinking out his response as he went along. "I don't like seeing you unhappy. I know now what a shit Dad can be. I know he hasn't treated you well. You deserve better. You're a good Mum," then mischievously "even if you are a bit boring," he said looking her in the eye for the first time since she had entered the room.

Caroline started breathing naturally again. If Laurence was making jokes there was hope.

"The thing is, I'm not sure that Kate has treated you much better. I've seen how unhappy you have been." Laurence looked at her steadily.

Caroline, her face full of love for her son, saw his genuine concern for her. She realized for the first time just how much Laurence had been taking in during all of these difficult months.

"Laurence, I think I have just realized how much all of this has hurt you. I'm sorry." Holding her arms out to him, Caroline continued, "I _am_ sorry." Laurence, suddenly emotional, quickly seated himself beside his mother on the bed and went into her arms. Finding that he was now too tall to fit his face into her neck as he used to do, contented himself with pressing his cheek into hers, kissing it as they finally pulled out of their embrace.

Caroline, with her fingers wiped away the tears that had escaped Laurence's eyes. Smoothing back his tousled hair, Caroline whispered, "I don't think I _have_ been a very good mother to you recently, Laurence. I promise to do better." Moving his hand from the bed where he had been bracing himself, Laurence gave her another squeeze before settling himself a little further away so he could see her face.

"Kate is staying the night with me. We have a lot to talk through. Caroline went on, "With tomorrow being Christmas, and a house full of guests, I can't tell you now how everything is going to play out. I can only ask for your patience as Kate and I try to find a way forward. How would you feel if I asked Kate to join us tomorrow? At the house. For Christmas. And to spend the night if she can?" Looking at each in turn, she saw William's smile of reassurance and received a nod from Laurence as she caught his eye.

Briskly, as she stood up "By the way, Gillian, Raff, Ellie and the baby are coming over to join us for dinner tomorrow and to spend the night. With Granny, Alan, Ted and now Kate, we'll have a house full tomorrow. I hope I can count on both of you to help me with the entertaining? Receiving more nods from both boys, Caroline moved to William's bed and bending gave him a good night kiss on top of his head. "Breakfast at 9:00 in the dining room downstairs" leaning in to kiss Laurence on top of the head also, Caroline continued in her mother voice " have your bags packed before you come down. You can come back after breakfast to bring all of our luggage down and pack it into the car."

Pausing by the door, Caroline's tone changed back to the more intimate one she had used when discussing what was happening in all of their lives as a result of the change in her relationship with Kate. "In the morning we'll all be in the dining room together, the wedding party I mean. You know what Granny can be like and Auntie Muriel is much the same. I don't know what their attitudes will be or what they might say. I know you may be tempted to defend me," Caroline paused, "if things are said. Please don't. You have to remember that they are of a different generation and we need to respect them. I," another pause, "Kate and I can deal with whatever happens." Looking at them each again in turn, her love shining from her face, she said, "I don't want you to be hurt any more than you already have been by my life choices. I do love you, you know."

"We know Mum," William smiled. "We love you too." Laurence said nothing but she could see by the look he gave her that he was agreeing with William who, as so often happened, spoke for both of them.

Beaming her love at each of them again, Caroline said briskly, "Right then, see you in the morning. Good night. Put the night latch on after I close the door."


	4. Chapter 4

Out in the corridor, Caroline waited to hear the click of the night latch. Then slumped softly against the door closing her eyes again. That had gone better than she might have hoped given what had transpired between her and Kate on the dance floor. Laurence was growing up before her very eyes and she hadn't noticed. Not as she had noted the change in William since his return from university. She really must find a way to pay more attention to them both. They were growing up so fast. Before she knew it they would be adults.

Still leaning against the door to the boys room, Caroline's thoughts turned to Kate and how working things out with her would impact her available time and attention to give the boys. She must stay mindful and be sure they were not short changed. KATE! _Kate_ was waiting in her room. Was she wondering what was taking Caroline so long? Was she growing impatient? Please God, she hadn't changed her mind and gone.

Caroline pushed off the door so swiftly that in two strides of her long legs she found herself down the hall and at the door to her room. Taking the key from her pocket, she tried fitting it into the lock only to find that once again she had missed. Her hands were shaking so, that, trying again and then again, she failed to insert the key into the lock. Slumping, she closed her eyes, trying to calm herself enough to open the door to her own room. Unexpectedly the door opened and there stood Kate, her head tilted enquiringly.

Caroline stood transfixed, gazing at Kate. She was still here. Waiting for her. Not grown impatient and gone. Thank God. But once she stepped through this door, stepped into her future with Kate there was so much to be dealt with. The past and all of the things they had gotten wrong, both of them hurting each other. And the future with all there was to be worked out between them. So many people to be taken into consideration with every step they would take, the boys, her mother, Kate's family, the baby. THE BABY.

Kate had been smiling as she opened the door, having heard Caroline's key at the lock, intending to make a joke of her failure to again unlock this door. The swift passage of expressions across Caroline's expressive face from concentration on the lock, to surprise then to consternation caused Kate's smile to fade and she reached out to pull Caroline through the door so she could close it.

"Caroline? Caroline! What is it? Are you alright?" Kate noticed that the hand she held was more than trembling, it was shaking. Her voice full of genuine concern, Kate pulled Caroline toward the sofa in front of the fireplace pulling the extra blanket from the foot of the bed as she passed. "Come in, sit down. I'll turn on the fire. It is electric. It won't take long to get warm. " Kate shook out the blanket and wrapped it around Caroline's shoulders before pressing her down onto the sofa. Quickly moving to the fireplace she adjusted the setting before seating herself next to Caroline. Taking cold hands into her own, Kate began chaffing them, waiting for Caroline to stop shaking. Caroline struggled to regain her composure, watching the golden brown hands on her own. Finally, the warmth of the blanket, the fire and of Kate's hands on hers began to take effect.

"Sorry. Sorry, it's just been quite a long day. I've not been drinking," she assured Kate, "only orange juice since dinner. It's just all been so unexpected." Summer sky blue eyes full of wonder fastened onto Kate's face, "You, coming back. After all the…" Then eyes on Kate's lips she said softly, "Kissing you again." Caroline's face softened remembering the sweetness of kissing Kate again, followed swiftly by dismay, "In front of everyone. Oh Kate," Then she began laughing ruefully at herself, eyes once again on Kate's.

Kate smiled an apology for the abruptness of her return. "You did seem to recover from it fairly well. Introducing me to all your friends and family as if you had been planning it all along." Tilting her head and giving Caroline a warm look, Kate told her in the old loving voice, "You really are magnificent, Caroline."

Caroline looked quickly into Kate's soft brown eyes. She saw the sincerity there but just hours before Kate had walked away from her again. The strain of spending the afternoon and evening tracking Kate's position in the room relative to her own, watching her from the corner of her eye, seeing her talking and laughing with everyone but herself had taken a toll. Could she rely on this new Kate? Well, the old Kate really. Did Kate really think she was magnificent? How could it all change so quickly?

Caroline stiffened. Throwing back the blanket, she walked over to the fireplace gazing down at the artificial logs. Did Kate think that she could just waltz back in and after a few kisses, and a little charm, everything could just go back to the way it was? The way it was before all the coldness? Before the last time they were both in this hotel? It seemed to have been working that way so far tonight, hadn't it? No, Caroline knew that too much had happened between them for it to be this simple. Turning to look at Kate, drawing her shoulders down as she often did to calm herself or take courage, both of which she needed very much at the moment, Caroline lifted her chin and issued her own challenge to Kate in much the same tone that Kate had used when asking her to dance. "What brought you back here tonight?"

Kate had hoped they wouldn't need to go into this tonight, hoped that reunion would be enough for now. But she knew Caroline better than that didn't she? Knew that she would have questions, a need to understand what was happening. She wouldn't be Caroline otherwise, would she? After all she'd been rehearsing this in her mind, behind the wheel, all the way up here from Harrogate knowing that if her return tonight went as she hoped, it would come to this. Using the same soft tender voice she'd used to tell Caroline how magnificent she was, Kate said simply, "I never stopped loving you Caroline. But today, I fell in love with you all over again."

Caroline seated herself in an armchair, within the fireplace grouping, but at the opposite end of the sofa from where Kate sat. She didn't trust herself to be too close to Kate and continue this discussion. Much as she wished they didn't have to go into this tonight, Caroline knew that they couldn't really move forward until there was some kind of an understanding between them.

Seeing the 'Dr. Elliot' expression Caroline used on recalcitrant students, ready to give them a fair hearing but clearly taking no nonsense, Kate knew that her hour of reckoning had arrived. Taking a deep breath, she began, "I realize that this may have seemed abrupt to you but in fact it has been building ever since last fall when you came to my house with flowers." Seeing Caroline's skepticism, Kate went on quickly, "I know I didn't accept your offer to try again." Looking down, then back up with an indignant expression, "I'd just left your house after taking Laurence home. John opened the door like he lived there, answered the phone leaving me on the doorstep and then closed the door in my face with barely a thank you. I could see that nothing had changed." Controlling trembling lips with an effort, "I couldn't subject my child to all the drama and angst in that house, in your life." Kate's brown eyes pleading with Caroline for understanding, "No matter how much I longed to take you in my arms that day and erase the pain and anguish I could see on your face."

Caroline hadn't known what had happened when Kate brought Laurence home but she could easily picture the scene Kate had described and nodded her acceptance of this judgment.

Seeing this, Kate went on wonderingly, "and then last week, you just appeared at the hospital. I was so scared and there you were. Even though we'd barely spoken in weeks here you were beside me, trying to reassure me, offering to go in with me. I was _so_ glad to have you there." Looking down, embarrassed, "then I just let you go. I was so overwhelmed with fear and relief and well, just emotion that I was hardly thinking clearly."

Raising her face again, "Later it came to me what your schedule must have been like that day, so close to the end of the term. What you walked away from to be with me. What that might mean about your feelings for me. I know you have a highly developed sense of responsibility but somehow it felt like more than that.

Later, when I looked back, I remembered your face as you watched the monitor. Just before I dropped your hand. I hadn't taken that expression in then. I just realized that I _had_ your hand and the position it put you in. So, I let go of you. I wanted you to take my hand back but I'd already blown it. I figured that was it." Kate's eyebrows rose as she gave a little shrug. "How many times could I really expect to reject you before you stopped offering? I'd already snubbed you three times." Seeing Caroline's face, Kate said softly, "yes, I didn't forget to count the time you came to my classroom to find me. The week after my birthday."

Caroline, trying to take in that Kate _had_ wanted her, could say nothing. Seeing this Kate went on.

"Then a couple of days after… the scare, your Mum called me. Asking me to play the piano at her wedding." Smiling a little at the memory, "she asked me right off if I would play, but before I could reply she went on talking. She was very chatty as if we had been old friends and she was catching me up on all the news. She told me that John had been out of the house since before William went off to university in the autumn, that you had filed for divorce then, put the house was up for sale and she and Alan were looking at bungalows between Harrogate and Halifax. Then she told me that she was worried about you, how sad you'd been for ages now. She thought you worked too hard and on top of that you were packing up the house not to mention putting on the wedding for her and Alan. By the time she finished, I knew she was telling me that she wouldn't stand in the way of us if…" Kate's face once again struggling for composure, "ever… if we should…" Taking a deep breath, and shrugging, "so how could I say no to her then?"

Caroline said softly, "So, you came today to play the piano."

Kate nodded, scooting forward to the edge of the cushion, elbows on knees, "I couldn't take my eyes off you today. You were so beautiful walking your Mum down the aisle. Holding her flowers. Being the consummate hostess, seeing to your guests, consulting with the hotel manager, mothering your boys, watching over Alan's family, being everywhere at once all day."

Caroline's face registered her confusion. She had been watching Kate all day and never had she found Kate's eyes on her. "You…? When…? How…?"

Kate smiled wryly, knowing how many times she had looked away just in the nick of time - she had hoped. "I had the advantage of you didn't I? You were on display all day and I was on the sidelines, watching."

Caroline gave Kate a 'why you little bugger' look which immediately changed again to confusion. "But you just left. After dinner you just left."

Kate looked at her hands, "I was a coward. I chickened out. When I came up to say goodbye I couldn't think of a thing to say. Not in that setting. Not with… all the past." Looking at Caroline out of the corner of her eye, her head still downcast, "On the way back to Harrogate I tried to convince myself that it wouldn't have been fair to start that conversation with you at the wedding. Tried to convince myself that you wouldn't have me anyway, not after… everything. As I was driving down my street, almost home, I started thinking about your speech tonight." With the love light shining in her face, Kate continued, "Seeing you all bashful and charming, so witty, talking about your Mum. Caroline, I was so proud of you. I let myself think about how much I still missed you. I let myself realize what it would mean to live the rest of my life without you." Blinking back tears Kate went on, "Not being able to look to you, never again to get lost in your blue, blue eyes." Her voice choking off, Kate stopped.

Seeing Caroline's chin pulled back in incredulity, Kate swallowed and went on, "I walked into my empty house and I knew I couldn't bear to wait for an opportune moment to see if you would have me back. I couldn't have a 'Happy Christmas' without you. I couldn't have a happy anything without you. It was all so dry and lonely. I just got back in the car and drove back up here."

Caroline was moved now, her face and the cords in her neck working to maintain her composure. Kate had gradually moved down the sofa toward her. Caroline only had to lean in now to take that lovely face into her hands and kiss it. And she wanted to. So much. Wanted just to kiss Kate, wrap her arms around her and never let her go. Forget everything that had happened in the past and start from here. But wasn't that just what had gotten them into trouble in the first place? Not talking things through, sweeping it all under the rug.

Quickly wiping tears from her cheeks with her fingers, Caroline steeled herself to resist reaching for Kate. Her face became tender and she leaned her own elbows earnestly on her knees. "Kate, as much as I would like nothing better than to just let bygones be bygones and," closing her eyes for a moment, "just kiss you and pretend none of this had ever happened," her face contorted, "that wouldn't be good for us," and looking pointedly at Kate's distended belly, "it wouldn't be good for her either." Seeing Kate's fallen face, Caroline quickly took her hands and held them tight, hurrying on, "I'm not saying we don't have a future, I'm only saying that we can't rush through this part. If we do it will only haunt us in the future." Pleadingly, "Can you see that?"

Shaking the two hands gripped in hers and moving her face to track with Kate's eyes, "We've hurt each other so much. There is so much to be said between us. We can't just ignore that." Another desperate shake of the clasped hands, "You do see that don't you?"

Penetrating blue eyes found and held the liquid brown eyes now brimming over. Caroline gripped Kate's hands even tighter, through gritted teeth, her voice fierce and a little choked, "Kate, I want you so much I can taste it. I just don't want to get it wrong this time. I don't think I could live through losing you again."

Kate, the depth of Caroline's feelings having reached her, saw the love and earnestness with which these words had been spoken. She could only nod and squeeze Caroline's hands back.

Caroline breathed in and out deeply and went on, "I'm not saying we have to do this tonight. We couldn't. There is far too much to say. Besides it is late." Touching Kate's cheek tentatively, "I can see you are tired." Then mischievously on a laugh almost like a sob, "After all you are a 42 year old pregnant woman." Only after she saw Kate's grin and the mock warning look in her eye as a response did Caroline's breathing begin to return to normal.

Turning serious again, Caroline looked down at Kate's hands in her own. "Kate, I'm no psychologist, but I have been doing a bit of reading…" Seeing the twinkle in Kate's eye, Caroline gave a little shrug and tilted her head, an embarrassed look on her face, "Well, you know me and research. I wanted to be prepared in case I… we… got the chance to work things out between us." Kate's look changed to one of love and admiration as she marveled at this act of faith on Caroline's part. Caroline went on. "It is likely in these kinds of situations for both parties to have grief and anger to deal with in addition to the pain and hurt they have experienced." Stopping herself, Caroline realized that this sounded as though it had come directly from a textbook. Closing her eyes and shaking her head at herself, she looked back at Kate, "Look, the point is, what I want to say is… What I want to ask is… Stopping, Caroline tried again, "Can you be patient with me for a little while yet?"

"Kate, we've so much to talk through and I have commitments for tomorrow through Boxing Day. Probably you do too. But the boys are going to be out of town from Thursday afternoon until sometime on Sunday. Could we spend some time together? Talking, getting to know each other again? Can you be patient with me while I make Christmas for them?" Rushing on, "I'd like it if you could come over tomorrow, any time you have free.

Kate said slowly, "I do have plans with my Mum and my Dad for tomorrow. After that I'm pretty open." A suggestive look that Caroline remembered well came into Kate's eye, "What did you have in mind?"

Caroline found that she needed to swallow before she could speak, "I wondered if I could come and see you. It'll be quieter at yours, fewer interruptions. Is that…? Would that be all right?"

Kate said, "Course, of course."

Caroline gave her the bashful smile she found so captivating, "So, is that… is that all right?"

Kate asked, "So Christmas with the boys tomorrow?"

Caroline grinned ruefully, "And the rest of my now expanded family. I've invited Gillian, Raf, Ellie and the baby for Christmas dinner and to spend the night. Mum, Alan and Ted will be next door so they will be there too. And, I'm giving them brunch before they all head out on Thursday.

Kate's eyes opened wide, "Gee" was all she could find to say.

Caroline rolled her eyes, "I know, I know, I was going with the don't think, keep busy plan at the time." Then, her eyes shining, "Could you come and spend Christmas night with me?"

"Oh Caroline, won't you have enough on without adding me to the mix?"

Looking at Kate's lips, then into her eyes and back to her lips again, Caroline said "Adding you to the mix is just what I will be looking forward to."

Kate's eyes scanned Caroline's face lovingly, as she said softly, "All right. If you want me."

Caroline, again eyeing Kate's lips, "Oh, I want you." With that, the lips that had been gravitating closer and closer met tenderly. Their kisses deepening as Caroline knelt to bring them closer, her hands on either side of Kate's face. Tongues touching tentatively, tasting, then melting into one another, but when Kate's hands came up her rib cage and pressed against the sides of her breasts, Caroline moved her mouth to the side with a gasp, her cheek pressing and kissing against Kate's smooth cheek instead of her mouth, her hands moved down Kate's arms to bring the caressing hands from her body back to Kate's lap as she tried desperately to think.

There was no doubt about the powerful feelings she had for this beautiful, intelligent, gentle woman. But feeling like this hadn't been enough before. They had to get it right this time, for everyone's sake. She couldn't afford to blow it again.

Her breathing still labored, Caroline said, "Kate." Her face contorting with the effort she pulled back to look into Kate's desire filled face. Picking up Kate's hands one by one and kissing them then pressing them to her cheeks, Caroline said, "Kate, I'm sorry. I can't. Not yet." Fear and apology in her gaze, "Not tonight. I'm sorry." Once again tracking with eyes that started to look down, Caroline's voice tender, not quite shy, not quite pleading, "Kate, will you come to bed with me? Let me hold you?" Then almost a whisper, "I need to just hold you, Kate."

Kate replied softly, "Yes, Caroline."


End file.
